Updated: Jan 12, 2020
I am awake! The past couple months have been among the most challenging yet rewarding time periods in my life. I am very optimistic by nature, so I certainly did not expect to be absent from my social media family for such an extended length of time. However, what I have experienced and the magnitude in which I have grown from it has so enlightened me, empowered me, and humbled me beyond what my natural self could have understood.
Let me just begin by saying that I have worked with several clients over the years who have struggled with addiction and depression. More personally, I lost a step-daughter to an overdose, and a dear friend (more like family) to a cardiovascular malfunction induced by the over indulgence of prescribed medication. Having counseled and guided many through the darkest times of their life, I thought I had a keen understanding of what they were going through. All I can say is…now I have a new perspective.
Don’t get me wrong, I have felt depressed before but I always had the mental capacity to pull myself together and refocus my mind with moderate to mild effort. No, I do not suffer from depression as a regular behavior, but like most of humanity, some experiences hit deeper than others. This was one of those experiences.
The interesting thing about this particular instance is that I took my time to consider my options. I had just gotten home from a long day that started early. I was tired but I had some writing to do for my new curriculum, I had some errands to run, and I wanted to get in a little workout. I thought it out and decided to hit the closest bike-trail to my house, then carry on to run the errands, returning home to spend some time writing. Well…the best laid plans, right?!
No sooner than mounting my hybrid Trek did I find the trail to be slightly wet and slick; not really conducive for a hybrid but a challenge I was totally willing to take on. The next thing I knew I was looking down wondering where the extra foot had come from? Who’s foot was facing the opposite direction to me and how did it get there? I assume a few seconds had passed before my wits returned and I realized the foot, the shoe, the leg all belonged to me. This was the beginning.
The firemen arrived first, and how amazing were they! This incredible group of men helped to keep my spirits light, and my mind at ease. They did the best they could to accommodate me as we waited for the EMS to arrive. We all knew my situation was intense because it took two hands to hold my leg to together (one hand below the knee and the other above my ankle). It was not long before EMS was on the scene. The firemen enlightened the EMS team and before I knew it the IV was delivering pain relief.
The next thing I know, I hear “Take a deep breath and relax; we are going to send you to your happy place.” I, being quite naive when it comes to personal experience with prescriptions, threw up my hand in protest. “What do you mean?”, I asked. “Where are you sending me and why?” The crew informed me that in order to move me as pain free as possible, I would need to be heavily sedated with a drug similar to DMT called ketamine. I was given a short explanation, which allowed me to relax, as the sensation was like a wave running through my body.
Strangely, I was slightly aware of what was going on around me…a feeling much like being a brain in a jar; I was mentally somewhat alert but physically I had no feeling, it was as if I had no body. So, I did what they instructed me to do and I just relaxed, letting go of any and all control I felt I needed to have in the moment. As I did, all I could see was a brilliant, huge light and through it I heard a familiar voice instructing me. “This is you, this is the essence of you. Whether you live inside the body or the body dies, the essence of you remains.” Now, I am a practitioner of multiple energy modalities, and, I teach metaphysical practices, so this was not news to me. But, the reality of this truth struck a cord so profound that I basked myself in the liberating feeling of infinity (at least until I was jolted back into the ambulance by the routinely asked questions, ‘what’s your name and do you know where you are?’).
As I was laying in the ER somewhat out of it, morphine and fentanyl running through my veins, doctors were assessing the damage. Turns out I broke both bones in my lower leg (Tibia and Fibula) and my ankle. I did such a good job that one of the doctor’s scratched his head as he took in my x-rays and said, “Couldn’t have been a more perfect storm.”. Apparently, it was pretty severe. I was told I would be prepped for surgery first thing in the morning and in the meantime, let the nurse know if I needed more pain relief.
Religiously, every 10 minutes, the morphine would drip and every few hours the nurse handed me an opioid to swallow. Thankfully, I made it through the night without overdosing and off to surgery I went. I am not sure how many hours it was because all I remember was a sweet middle aged man (most likely the anesthesiologist) saying “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re comfortable through the whole surgery.” It was nice of him to keep his word because I felt nothing, even when I awoke in recovery.
Fast forward, I am home with my leg elevated, two nerve numbing bags of liquid hanging down my sides, and medication for days. I am not going to lie, my optimistic side was thinking ‘I’ll have this surgery and be on my feet working again within a day or two’. Ha! So not true. Then I thought, ‘well, I’m practically bedridden for the next six weeks, I can catch up on so much stuff.’ What a sense of humor I have! Between the pain and the pills, I was not doing anything. My brain was so scrambled, I could not put two complete sentences together, and my emotions were so unpredictable there was no taking clients. This sucked. Talk about hitting a wall.
I did this dance with myself for a solid six weeks. I was riding my own ass about not getting things done, falling behind schedule, and feeling depleted because my activities and abilities were super limited. It just so happened one day when I was riding with my friend, I began sobbing uncontrollably. Well, this friend of mine had over come a prescription dependency; being told that pain was inevitable an endless supply was given monthly. As I am mid feeling sorry for myself, I was gently reminded about the significant doses of medication I had been on and the extent of my injury. In that moment I decided I was done with the medication. This fragile, uninspired mindset was not me and I wanted my power back.
For the next two weeks I powered through it, taking only the occasional Ibuprofen. My mind began to focus and I would have spurts of inspiration and clarity. Oh my greatness, it was such a relief. Not any less important to mention, my physical body also began to rebalance. It was during this time of cleansing and rebuilding that I realized, the only penalty given for taking time to heal is self issued. Just as it takes time to reprogram the mind, it takes time for the body to properly heal; there is only so much we can do to speed up the process. I had to realize that the injury was not necessarily the universes’ way of allowing me to catch up on work, but rather an opportunity for me to just be and allow.
It was this and many other insights and downloads that reminded me of the importance of my life’s journey. It jolted a deeper awareness. My 'in this moment right now' is where the importance lies. Today, right now, I can enjoy every aspect of re-learning to walk. I get to appreciate my experience and become stronger as a result of it. There is no rush. Social media, appointments, marketing materials blah blah blah are not going any where. There is an infinite supply of everything for everyone and the purpose we are born into will always be ours. The important thing is to relax, vibe with your happy place, and take in each moment as if life could change in an instant. There is no day lost, no experience wasted and no gift like the present.
I am so grateful for you; your love, your patience, and your support. Believing for you a happy, abundant 2020!